this is what he is going to try and tell himself all day long. he is totally and completely fine. it's just... he's hurting, a lot, in a way that he doesn't really want to be hurting as a boy. and when he gets cramps like this he starts thinking in a bad, bad downward spiral, thinking things like "why am I even on this baseball team" and "I'm worthless and pathetic" and "I hate myself", or worst of all, "They all hate me, and if they didn't before, they will if they ever find out". that one is arguably the one that haunts him the most, makes mihashi fidget and panic and freak out even more than usual, as he imagines losing these small, tender friendships he has because his secret is big and huge and scary and it terrifies him to think of what could happen if one day he just didn't pass that well.
he picks at his undershirt a lot throughout the day and tells himself everything is fine. he's just itchy, he tells tajima, fidgeting with his binder for the fourth time today. pulling it down, making more. he's always been small and mihashi is lucky for that, maybe, but nothing will ever feel like enough, and mihashi knows he just can't pass as well as he should be able to and he knows someone's going to find out and--
so on and so forth. it's this panic that's settled heavy on his shoulders when he gets to be alone in the locker room, so of course it's when he's close to tears about it that abe appears. mihashi jumps and whirls around, pulling his shirt back down and holding it at his waist, fidgeting with the hem.
at least he cries a lot... maybe abe won't notice... ] A-a-a-Abe-kun! [ he blurts out, cheeks turning pink, holding onto the shirt even more, don't look don't look don't look. he's stammering even more than usual, fighting to spit out something that doesn't sound stupid and sounds believable all at once. ] What's--are you--um--what are you--what is it?
[ Slowly, Abe's eyebrows raise as Mihashi fidgets and stutters. It's a pretty common thing for the pitcher, but that doesn't change the fact that this is sort of the extreme version of it. And he's teary eyed and red faced, and something clenches tight around his heart and sinks into the pit of his stomach, concern exploding into being rather than blossoming. But, being who he is, he struggles for a moment with expressing it without being too harsh. Sometimes it's good to be blunt with Mihashi, to bring everything to a standstill with one well-aimed verbal (or sometimes physical) strike.
Today? Doesn't really feel like one of those days. ]
Looking for you. What's going on? [ Said slowly, carefully, as he looks around the room to try and figure out if there's an influence there. But he doesn't see anything, so he looks back at Mihashi, brow furrowing now. Coming closer to him, he reaches to take his cap off, dusting it off on his hip against his pants - they're already dirty, he doesn't care if they get dirtier. ] You were pretty off all of practice, are you...
[ God, he should have asked Tajima or Momokan to come and check on him, but when he'd asked the coach to distract his teammate she had this knowing look on her face and sent him off without question, so maybe he's supposed to be here.
So he takes a deep breath, releases it, and focuses on Mihashi. ] Are you okay?
I-what? Fine! I'm fine! Everything's to-totally fine! A-abe-kun shouldn't worry so much. [ mihashi practically squawks out his answer; his heartbeat quadruples in his chest as he starts to consider all of the horrible outcomes of this conversation literally all at once. it makes more sense to not tell abe about it because--it's a really big secret. he hasn't told anyone! and it's not that mihashi doesn't trust abe, because he does, he trusts abe more than just about anything in the world, but... but he doesn't want to worry him. and he doesn't want abe to hate him forever, because a world where abe hated mihashi forever was arguably the worst existence ever.
his stomach hurts, and mihashi's not sure if it's from this conversation or the cramps, but they're both making him want to cry even more. backed up into the wall like this, at least he shouldn't be able to see the red spot, though there's some on his thigh, too, and mihashi is just--distressed. he's so, so distressed. he wants abe to leave him be so he can change clothes and hurry home and he wants all of this to go away and for just a crushing moment he wants to be normal and the ache for that hits him harder than anything, until the tears pooling at the corner of his eyes start to leak out and spill and mihashi reaches up to wipe at his face with his sleeve, trembling like a leaf. why today? why right now? he hadn't been prepared, it had come early, and he just--
mihashi is not fine.
he hiccups. ] I'm--I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let it affect my pitching, I'm sorry, I won't do it again--!!
Mihashi starts crying, actually crying, and Abe does the instinctive thing that's been drilled into him - he reaches out and grabs hold of Mihashi's hands, squeezing tight. This kind of comfort, he can do. They shared that moment together where they were both in tears, and he's seen Mihashi like this more than once now, so he knows what to do here, at least. Act as a tether to keep him afloat, while they try to work through whatever's causing the distress.
This time, though, he has no clue what could possibly be causing the distress. ]
Mihashi - hey, hey. You just seemed off, not bad. And since it was during practice, we can fix whatever it was, shut up, stop apologizing.
[ His grip remains firm, but twitches, nearly spasms tighter, when his eyes rake over him and he spots a flash of red that isn't the lettering on their uniforms. Again, Abe's eyebrows shoot up, and he almost rears back so that he can get a better look at it. But it's on his pants, and it's practically in the crease of his thigh, and he doesn't know what that could mean. ]
[ there is a moment of comfort there, a brief, shining moment where abe grabs his hands. all the training with shiga-sensei has taught him to take that and immediately use it to relax, because abe holding his hands just makes things better, it always does. he sniffles a little, tears still streaming down his face, and then--
and then abe says it.
mihashi's eyes go horribly wide and he jerks back as fast as he can, running into the wall behind him, his heart pounding against his chest at a hundred miles an hour with panic and anxiety no no no no no, he thinks, because abe saw--abe would know. should he try and cover it? that would make him even madder, freak him out--he might want to look at it like he did with his hip when the tosei pitcher hit him with a ball, determined to make sure it was okay. so, no, that was out of the question, he couldn't lie, but he wanted to lie, what was he supposed to say? oh, well, i identify as a boy but that doesn't mean that my body is agreeing with me? wouldn't abe hate him forever for lying to him? he promised he wouldn't lie and he's just been doing it all along.
the stab of guilt is horrible and this time, mihashi bursts into tears, covering his face with his hands and sinking down into the floor, disgust and sadness and terror and panic all coming together and overwhelming the pitcher until he's shaking like an absolute leaf and crying as hard as he can. it's all over now. bye abe. bye baseball. coach said he could play but everyone on the team would hate him, and it would just--it would be mihoshi all over again, and he'd finally been happy...
he doesn't say anything--he's crying too hard to get any words out--but mihashi keeps his head buried in his hands and just sobs until it wracks his body, aching and hurt in one hundred different ways. ]
[ When the sobbing starts, and Mihashi jerks back, Abe does actually rear back a little in shock. But it's only for a moment, because then he's on the floor with Mihashi, squat down and reaching his hands out to hover over his shoulders. There's no immediate touch, a hesitation visible in him, because apparently he's gone and made it worse instead of better, and that wasn't what he wanted. It was the complete opposite of what he wanted. Does he go and get Momokan? Shiga-sensei? Anyone that would apparently be better at this than he is right now?
No. The mere thought of doing that makes him sick, and he finishes reaching out to grab hold of his shoulders, thumbing at the round of them gently. ]
Mihashi. [ Abe bows his head down, knocking his temple gently into Mihashi's, until he turns his head and it's his forehead pressed into his temple. He can't get at any other part of his face while he's hiding behind his hands, but this will have to do for the meantime. As his gut wrenches painfully, twisted into uncomfortable knots that make him nauseous on behalf of stupid, perfect pitcher. ] Mihashi, come on.
[ And, when that undoubtedly doesn't work as much as he wants it to, he brings a hand up to the side of his head, stroking almost absently in an attempt to get him calmed down enough to listen to him: ] Ren.
[ mihashi can't stop crying--he physically thinks he can't, not with everything that's going on in his head. all he can think about is mihoshi, the way he was treated, never good enough for anything and always hiding from everyone, and here--coach had made sure he was on the team, had even made sure it was his chosen name that appeared on school rosters, took care of everything for him. everyone had been so kind to him here, but if they only knew what mihashi really was, they'd hate him. hanai, sakaeguchi, tajima, abe, all of his friends would think he was a freak, a joke. a laughingstock. and he kind of was one, wasn't he? mihashi thought he was.
but, of all things, it's that given name that snaps him out of it, just for a second.
though he's still crying, mihashi jerks his head up. his eyes are huge and watery, tears streaming down his cheeks, and he peers between his fingers for just a second before he just lets his hands drop, wiping weakly at his face with the tops of his fists. god, it's over. it's over, he can say goodbye to everything he's ever loved, because his body sprung a surprise on him he never wanted. ]
I'm--I--I-- [ he tries to speak but nothing really comes out, not at first, and finally, mihashi screws his eyes shut and hiccups out: ] I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
[ sorry for crying? sorry for lying to you? sorry for everything seems to fit. there are so many things mihashi has to be sorry for and none of them do anything but encompass exactly how pathetic and useless he really is. ]
[ Shifting so that he's no longer crouched down, and instead is settled on his knees, Abe angles his head to look at Mihashi through his own fingers. Good, it worked, at least enough to get his attention, to get him to listen to him instead of sobbing through it all. The tears are still there, but that's okay. He can do something about those. It won't be easy, but he can do something about those.
He slides his other hand up from his shoulder, cradling his face in his hands carefully. Once Mihashi's hands are out of the way, he starts helping clear the tears from his cheeks, thumbs and heels of his palms brushing them away as soon as he feels the wetness reach them. There hasn't ever really been a reason for him to be this tactile in the past, but it's kind of necessary right now, especially with those apologies. Sorry, for what? ]
Hey, it's okay. Seriously, it's okay, c'mon. [ Trying for soothing, Takaya doesn't move away, just keeps touching him. ] We've talked about this, remember? You can talk to me, no matter what it's about. We're supposed to take care of each other, that's what a battery does.
[ With a gentle pat-slap to his cheek, he frowns a little at him - though not angrily, just worriedly. ] So let me help.
[ abe's hands are warm like they always are, only this time they're on mihashi's face instead of his hands. he wishes he could rewind the past twenty minutes so none of this happened, but now mihashi's big secret was right there on the table. he also wished he could maybe stop crying, wished that he could just say "let's forget about it", but mihashi knows there's no way abe's going to let this go. he doesn't let him cry ever. and usually it's about a game, or pitching, but usually abe makes him feel better eventually, better than anyone else ever has, because mihashi wants abe to like him, wants to impress him, but... there's nothing here that he can put towards that. it's just him and his stupid body that he didn't want.
he sniffles, the sobbing subsiding a little but the tears keep flowing, and mihashi draws his knees up, pressing his thighs together tightly and shakes his head in abe's hands, flinching at the pat slap even though it doesn't actually hurt. ] It's gonna--y-you're gonna hate me. I-I've been--lying, I don't want to lie to Abe-kun but I have to...!
[ once the words start, though, they keep coming. mihashi won't look at him, keeps his gaze down on his knees, his stupid uniform with the little red stain, and thinks, this is it, it's over, you're gonna hate me too. ] But I'm not--I am, I m-mean, I am, I just, I'm not...it's....
[ well, ok, the words keep coming for mihashi. slowly. he's not going to be able to say that out loud and he knows it, and so he reaches with trembling fingers to undo his baseball jersey. the binder just looks like an undershirt, but the straps of a girl's sports bra are pretty unmistakable, and mihashi chokes back a sob as he holds either side of his jersey, his body shaking so hard his teeth are rattling in his mouth. ]
[ Patience is required for dealing with his teammates, but most of all his battery partner, so he waits for him to stutter through anything instead of correcting him immediately. But it's hard to really think of the corrections he was going to issue when Mihashi finally shows him what's bothering him so much, what's making him shake so hard like he's shivering.
Abe drops his hands from Mihashi's face, tracing his fingertips along the outlines of the sports bra. He knows what it is - he's a teenage boy, of course he does, it doesn't matter that he's not a pervert like Tajima, he knows - but he doesn't understand what he's seeing. Not right away, anyways. Because Mihashi - Mihashi is a boy, he's not a girl, but what he's seeing is quickly adding together and telling him something else entirely.
And he doesn't know what this means for them, and then that's a confusing thought altogether. Why would it mean anything for them? Mihashi Ren is Mihashi Ren, there isn't anything that will change that. He's skittish and anxious and fragile but strong, and the best pitcher he's ever known, he's Abe's pitcher, and he's perfect despite his fidgeting nervousness and proneness to tears, and Abe is maybe a little in love with him.
So that's probably why he has a quick, internalized freakout about what this means. But it's over just as quickly as it happens, because all of these things are true. Mihashi is Mihashi is Mihashi, and nothing changes that. ]
C'mon, head up. You're stupid if you think that I'm gonna hate you just 'cause of this. [ His hands go back to his cheeks to tilt him up, and he frowns at him softly, eyes flitting across his face. He doesn't know what this is, but he's not a stupid kid. He can figure things out if he processes it. ] You're not a girl. You're not just... you're not pretending to be a boy or anything. I don't know what all this means, okay? But I know that much.
[ the look on mihashi's face changes just a little--his eyes are huge and watery still, the occasional tear escaping and dripping down his cheek, but for a brief moment, he stares at him like he's made of solid gold. it's not the first time he's made that face at abe, and it absolutely won't be the last, but just like that, abe came in and started to clear the clouds away. abe always does that for mihashi. when he's doubting himself the most, when he's scared or worried or tired or anything, he thinks about abe, the words he gave him. or, even better, sometimes abe finds him, seeks him out, shakes him around a little and gets him going again. mihashi lives for his praise and probably loves him, in the deep, soulbonded sort of way that just makes them inseparable.
so, really, he shouldn't have been that worried.
but, of course he was. he's mihashi ren; worrying is his gig. but now he's been reassured, at least a little, and he nods his head into abe's hands, his lower lip wobbling furiously as his small fingers dance down to button up his shirt again, out of nerves but mostly out of an absolute dislike of just being exposed. he already feels like a raw live wire left out in the rain, and any more of that might make him explode. ]
O-okay. [ he manages, softly, his voice still a trembling weak thing, still a baby bird desperate to take flight away. his hands still on the first button, still shaking too hard to properly get it back up, and he swallows a lump in his throat, feeling a little like he's going to vibrate straight out of his skin as he speaks, barely a whisper. ] N...no one else...knows. Except coach.
[ though mihashi thinks everyone does actually know because he can't pass as well as he wants, but that's not the point. ]
[ If Abe were more prone to bouts of fidgeting like Mihashi, he'd probably do it now. Because being looked at like that, like he hung the stars and moon in the sky, makes him feel something ridiculous and strange. Especially when it comes from Mihashi. He isn't sure if he wants to shake him and tell him to stop, or to squeeze his hands in his as tight as he can. Right now, he figures that shaking him might not be particularly helpful, so he just nods back at him and waits for him to get the buttons done up.
Except he struggles, thin fingers shaking like leaves, and Abe breathes out slowly to ground himself. For what, he doesn't know - a part of him is still panicking, he thinks, but it's trying to process everything at the same time, handling his realization as best as he can - but he immediately needs to help, same as always.
So he goes and starts doing the buttons up for him, making quick work of them in an attempt to help him feel more safe, more centered. That makes him wonder if he should move, since he's basically walled Mihashi in with his body and the wall, but so far he hasn't reacted to that negatively, so he'll stay for the time being. ]
That's... [ Not really surprising. ] It's for you to tell the others, okay? And if you don't ever want to tell them, then that's fine, you don't ever have to. Coach has to know because she's coach. So, I'm not gonna say anything.
[ abe is being so gentle, it's almost strange--mihashi can't help but flinch the minute his hands come close. he's not really sure what he's expecting, but he has to flinch anyway, because he's terrified of. well, everything. he's terrified that he had to tell someone. a part of him is still worried that abe is lying and that he does, actually hate him, think he's a freak, but he has to take this like he takes his signals in the dugout. he trusts abe to always make the proper call. he trusts abe and never shakes off his calls. why should he shake him off now?
he is also panicking but the sobbing subsides to soft sniffles as abe buttons up his shirt for him. mihashi looks down between them, slowly lifting his hands up and out of the way to rub the tears off of his face. he should trust abe. abe won't tell anyone and he knows that, but it doesn't make him feel any less scared, any less vulnerable. at least getting his jersey back on has helped him put on his physical armor; maybe now he can try for a more metaphorical one.
mihashi nods his head, slowly, then very very quickly. he understands. he was going to tell tajima... it just had never come up. mihashi was so scared of losing his friends that he kept it buried, and its now and only now, to abe, not tajima, where it first comes out. he looks up at abe through his wet eyelashes and nods his head again, making a tiny, blubbery "uh-uh-uh-huh" as he does so.
abe will keep him safe. just like abe always catches for him, just like abe never misses. abe will keep this safe and close to him. maybe it's okay to feel a tiny, tiny bit relieved. ]
[ When Abe was going through the roughest patch of his life, playing with Haruna, there wasn't really anyone there for him. He didn't have a support system back then, and he'd only gotten one when he started playing for Nishinura. So the idea that Mihashi could be going through this alone, the same way he'd gone through things alone in middle school. And he hates the thought of that, of Mihashi facing anything alone.
When did he start caring so much? Maybe that first time, where they'd hunched together and held hands tightly, and they'd both broken down into tears.
Whenever it was, he's so far in deep that Abe isn't going anywhere. Even if he's out of his element, he's staying with Mihashi, and he's going to see it through to the end, regardless of what "it" is. So, yeah. He's kind of in love with Mihashi, and he'll figure out what that means later on when he doesn't have Mihashi's own panic to take care of and eliminate to the best of his ability. ]
C'mon - can you stand? [ He rubs his upper arm carefully, remembering contact, how much it's helped all of them since they started playing together. ] We need to clean up from practice, and - [ Pausing, frowning in consideration, he slides his hand down to take Mihashi's and squeeze. ] If you need to, you can borrow my civvies. Layers, right?
[ That would help give Mihashi a barrier from the outside world, wouldn't it? More layers? ]
[ if nothing else, mihashi can focus on abe's hand. his own is probably ice cold--he's stressed and terrified and still kind of freaked out--but this always helps. he's taught his body to relax with it, like shiga-sensei had told them to, and as abe's hand squeezes his, mihashi slowly returns it, a little shyer, a little more hesitant.
the last of the tears drip out of his eyes and he nods, wiping at his eyes with his other hand as he pushes himself back up to his feet. he feels raw, shaken, even more than usual, and mihashi keeps his guard up as much as he can, knees knocked together, hand still clutched tightly in abe's like the lifeline that it's become.
and then he offers to share his clothes with him. mihashi gives him that look again, his eyes wide, breath caught in his throat. abe is so nice, he thinks, even if he yells a lot, mihashi thinks--knows, maybe--that he really does care, that maybe... that maybe it's harder to mess this up than he originally thought. maybe abe won't hate him for things like this. abe isn't angry that he lied. he's not angry at all.
mihashi's eyes get watery again and he lifts his other hand to wave it around, head moving left and right and generally all over the place that isn't on abe's face, his cheeks taking on a stunning shade of red. ] Y-you don't ha--I couldn't--but you--
[ this is honestly going to continue you may want to stop him. ]
[ The impulse to rub Mihashi's hands between his, warm him up and calm him down until he's no longer frigid from stress and being upset, strikes Abe pretty much immediately. It's a common response to when he holds his hand like this, because it happens so frequently. Not as often as it once did, at least, but still often enough that it's a concern, for Abe, for the team, for everyone that knows Mihashi. At least he's relaxing.
For a moment, anyways.
Frowning and flustering at the look that he gets, again, he shakes his head and brings his free hand up to set it over Mihashi's mouth. It'll stop him for a moment, without Abe having to noogie him or give him a shake. Not exactly conducive to helping Ren calm down in the least bit, especially when he's been shaking like a leaf and straight out sobbing. Instead he just shakes his head, keeping his hand there until he's certain that Mihashi isn't going to keep protesting. ]
I don't have to, but I want to, if it'll help you. [ He just says it matter-of-fact, so that there's no room for protests right off or either of them being red-faced. ]
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it's dai's fault
this is what he is going to try and tell himself all day long. he is totally and completely fine. it's just... he's hurting, a lot, in a way that he doesn't really want to be hurting as a boy. and when he gets cramps like this he starts thinking in a bad, bad downward spiral, thinking things like "why am I even on this baseball team" and "I'm worthless and pathetic" and "I hate myself", or worst of all, "They all hate me, and if they didn't before, they will if they ever find out". that one is arguably the one that haunts him the most, makes mihashi fidget and panic and freak out even more than usual, as he imagines losing these small, tender friendships he has because his secret is big and huge and scary and it terrifies him to think of what could happen if one day he just didn't pass that well.
he picks at his undershirt a lot throughout the day and tells himself everything is fine. he's just itchy, he tells tajima, fidgeting with his binder for the fourth time today. pulling it down, making more. he's always been small and mihashi is lucky for that, maybe, but nothing will ever feel like enough, and mihashi knows he just can't pass as well as he should be able to and he knows someone's going to find out and--
so on and so forth. it's this panic that's settled heavy on his shoulders when he gets to be alone in the locker room, so of course it's when he's close to tears about it that abe appears. mihashi jumps and whirls around, pulling his shirt back down and holding it at his waist, fidgeting with the hem.
at least he cries a lot... maybe abe won't notice... ] A-a-a-Abe-kun! [ he blurts out, cheeks turning pink, holding onto the shirt even more, don't look don't look don't look. he's stammering even more than usual, fighting to spit out something that doesn't sound stupid and sounds believable all at once. ] What's--are you--um--what are you--what is it?
Sports? Always Dai.
Today? Doesn't really feel like one of those days. ]
Looking for you. What's going on? [ Said slowly, carefully, as he looks around the room to try and figure out if there's an influence there. But he doesn't see anything, so he looks back at Mihashi, brow furrowing now. Coming closer to him, he reaches to take his cap off, dusting it off on his hip against his pants - they're already dirty, he doesn't care if they get dirtier. ] You were pretty off all of practice, are you...
[ God, he should have asked Tajima or Momokan to come and check on him, but when he'd asked the coach to distract his teammate she had this knowing look on her face and sent him off without question, so maybe he's supposed to be here.
So he takes a deep breath, releases it, and focuses on Mihashi. ] Are you okay?
it all comes back to her
his stomach hurts, and mihashi's not sure if it's from this conversation or the cramps, but they're both making him want to cry even more. backed up into the wall like this, at least he shouldn't be able to see the red spot, though there's some on his thigh, too, and mihashi is just--distressed. he's so, so distressed. he wants abe to leave him be so he can change clothes and hurry home and he wants all of this to go away and for just a crushing moment he wants to be normal and the ache for that hits him harder than anything, until the tears pooling at the corner of his eyes start to leak out and spill and mihashi reaches up to wipe at his face with his sleeve, trembling like a leaf. why today? why right now? he hadn't been prepared, it had come early, and he just--
mihashi is not fine.
he hiccups. ] I'm--I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let it affect my pitching, I'm sorry, I won't do it again--!!
Always.
Mihashi starts crying, actually crying, and Abe does the instinctive thing that's been drilled into him - he reaches out and grabs hold of Mihashi's hands, squeezing tight. This kind of comfort, he can do. They shared that moment together where they were both in tears, and he's seen Mihashi like this more than once now, so he knows what to do here, at least. Act as a tether to keep him afloat, while they try to work through whatever's causing the distress.
This time, though, he has no clue what could possibly be causing the distress. ]
Mihashi - hey, hey. You just seemed off, not bad. And since it was during practice, we can fix whatever it was, shut up, stop apologizing.
[ His grip remains firm, but twitches, nearly spasms tighter, when his eyes rake over him and he spots a flash of red that isn't the lettering on their uniforms. Again, Abe's eyebrows shoot up, and he almost rears back so that he can get a better look at it. But it's on his pants, and it's practically in the crease of his thigh, and he doesn't know what that could mean. ]
Mihashi, are you bleeding?
that jerk
and then abe says it.
mihashi's eyes go horribly wide and he jerks back as fast as he can, running into the wall behind him, his heart pounding against his chest at a hundred miles an hour with panic and anxiety no no no no no, he thinks, because abe saw--abe would know. should he try and cover it? that would make him even madder, freak him out--he might want to look at it like he did with his hip when the tosei pitcher hit him with a ball, determined to make sure it was okay. so, no, that was out of the question, he couldn't lie, but he wanted to lie, what was he supposed to say? oh, well, i identify as a boy but that doesn't mean that my body is agreeing with me? wouldn't abe hate him forever for lying to him? he promised he wouldn't lie and he's just been doing it all along.
the stab of guilt is horrible and this time, mihashi bursts into tears, covering his face with his hands and sinking down into the floor, disgust and sadness and terror and panic all coming together and overwhelming the pitcher until he's shaking like an absolute leaf and crying as hard as he can. it's all over now. bye abe. bye baseball. coach said he could play but everyone on the team would hate him, and it would just--it would be mihoshi all over again, and he'd finally been happy...
he doesn't say anything--he's crying too hard to get any words out--but mihashi keeps his head buried in his hands and just sobs until it wracks his body, aching and hurt in one hundred different ways. ]
You're a jerk too tbh
No. The mere thought of doing that makes him sick, and he finishes reaching out to grab hold of his shoulders, thumbing at the round of them gently. ]
Mihashi. [ Abe bows his head down, knocking his temple gently into Mihashi's, until he turns his head and it's his forehead pressed into his temple. He can't get at any other part of his face while he's hiding behind his hands, but this will have to do for the meantime. As his gut wrenches painfully, twisted into uncomfortable knots that make him nauseous on behalf of stupid, perfect pitcher. ] Mihashi, come on.
[ And, when that undoubtedly doesn't work as much as he wants it to, he brings a hand up to the side of his head, stroking almost absently in an attempt to get him calmed down enough to listen to him: ] Ren.
#shameless
but, of all things, it's that given name that snaps him out of it, just for a second.
though he's still crying, mihashi jerks his head up. his eyes are huge and watery, tears streaming down his cheeks, and he peers between his fingers for just a second before he just lets his hands drop, wiping weakly at his face with the tops of his fists. god, it's over. it's over, he can say goodbye to everything he's ever loved, because his body sprung a surprise on him he never wanted. ]
I'm--I--I-- [ he tries to speak but nothing really comes out, not at first, and finally, mihashi screws his eyes shut and hiccups out: ] I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
[ sorry for crying? sorry for lying to you? sorry for everything seems to fit. there are so many things mihashi has to be sorry for and none of them do anything but encompass exactly how pathetic and useless he really is. ]
GETS REVENGE
He slides his other hand up from his shoulder, cradling his face in his hands carefully. Once Mihashi's hands are out of the way, he starts helping clear the tears from his cheeks, thumbs and heels of his palms brushing them away as soon as he feels the wetness reach them. There hasn't ever really been a reason for him to be this tactile in the past, but it's kind of necessary right now, especially with those apologies. Sorry, for what? ]
Hey, it's okay. Seriously, it's okay, c'mon. [ Trying for soothing, Takaya doesn't move away, just keeps touching him. ] We've talked about this, remember? You can talk to me, no matter what it's about. We're supposed to take care of each other, that's what a battery does.
[ With a gentle pat-slap to his cheek, he frowns a little at him - though not angrily, just worriedly. ] So let me help.
this thread is the worst
he sniffles, the sobbing subsiding a little but the tears keep flowing, and mihashi draws his knees up, pressing his thighs together tightly and shakes his head in abe's hands, flinching at the pat slap even though it doesn't actually hurt. ] It's gonna--y-you're gonna hate me. I-I've been--lying, I don't want to lie to Abe-kun but I have to...!
[ once the words start, though, they keep coming. mihashi won't look at him, keeps his gaze down on his knees, his stupid uniform with the little red stain, and thinks, this is it, it's over, you're gonna hate me too. ] But I'm not--I am, I m-mean, I am, I just, I'm not...it's....
[ well, ok, the words keep coming for mihashi. slowly. he's not going to be able to say that out loud and he knows it, and so he reaches with trembling fingers to undo his baseball jersey. the binder just looks like an undershirt, but the straps of a girl's sports bra are pretty unmistakable, and mihashi chokes back a sob as he holds either side of his jersey, his body shaking so hard his teeth are rattling in his mouth. ]
it really is it hurts so much.
Abe drops his hands from Mihashi's face, tracing his fingertips along the outlines of the sports bra. He knows what it is - he's a teenage boy, of course he does, it doesn't matter that he's not a pervert like Tajima, he knows - but he doesn't understand what he's seeing. Not right away, anyways. Because Mihashi - Mihashi is a boy, he's not a girl, but what he's seeing is quickly adding together and telling him something else entirely.
And he doesn't know what this means for them, and then that's a confusing thought altogether. Why would it mean anything for them? Mihashi Ren is Mihashi Ren, there isn't anything that will change that. He's skittish and anxious and fragile but strong, and the best pitcher he's ever known, he's Abe's pitcher, and he's perfect despite his fidgeting nervousness and proneness to tears, and Abe is maybe a little in love with him.
So that's probably why he has a quick, internalized freakout about what this means. But it's over just as quickly as it happens, because all of these things are true. Mihashi is Mihashi is Mihashi, and nothing changes that. ]
C'mon, head up. You're stupid if you think that I'm gonna hate you just 'cause of this. [ His hands go back to his cheeks to tilt him up, and he frowns at him softly, eyes flitting across his face. He doesn't know what this is, but he's not a stupid kid. He can figure things out if he processes it. ] You're not a girl. You're not just... you're not pretending to be a boy or anything. I don't know what all this means, okay? But I know that much.
lays on side
so, really, he shouldn't have been that worried.
but, of course he was. he's mihashi ren; worrying is his gig. but now he's been reassured, at least a little, and he nods his head into abe's hands, his lower lip wobbling furiously as his small fingers dance down to button up his shirt again, out of nerves but mostly out of an absolute dislike of just being exposed. he already feels like a raw live wire left out in the rain, and any more of that might make him explode. ]
O-okay. [ he manages, softly, his voice still a trembling weak thing, still a baby bird desperate to take flight away. his hands still on the first button, still shaking too hard to properly get it back up, and he swallows a lump in his throat, feeling a little like he's going to vibrate straight out of his skin as he speaks, barely a whisper. ] N...no one else...knows. Except coach.
[ though mihashi thinks everyone does actually know because he can't pass as well as he wants, but that's not the point. ]
warbles
Except he struggles, thin fingers shaking like leaves, and Abe breathes out slowly to ground himself. For what, he doesn't know - a part of him is still panicking, he thinks, but it's trying to process everything at the same time, handling his realization as best as he can - but he immediately needs to help, same as always.
So he goes and starts doing the buttons up for him, making quick work of them in an attempt to help him feel more safe, more centered. That makes him wonder if he should move, since he's basically walled Mihashi in with his body and the wall, but so far he hasn't reacted to that negatively, so he'll stay for the time being. ]
That's... [ Not really surprising. ] It's for you to tell the others, okay? And if you don't ever want to tell them, then that's fine, you don't ever have to. Coach has to know because she's coach. So, I'm not gonna say anything.
; ⌂ ;
he is also panicking but the sobbing subsides to soft sniffles as abe buttons up his shirt for him. mihashi looks down between them, slowly lifting his hands up and out of the way to rub the tears off of his face. he should trust abe. abe won't tell anyone and he knows that, but it doesn't make him feel any less scared, any less vulnerable. at least getting his jersey back on has helped him put on his physical armor; maybe now he can try for a more metaphorical one.
mihashi nods his head, slowly, then very very quickly. he understands. he was going to tell tajima... it just had never come up. mihashi was so scared of losing his friends that he kept it buried, and its now and only now, to abe, not tajima, where it first comes out. he looks up at abe through his wet eyelashes and nods his head again, making a tiny, blubbery "uh-uh-uh-huh" as he does so.
abe will keep him safe. just like abe always catches for him, just like abe never misses. abe will keep this safe and close to him. maybe it's okay to feel a tiny, tiny bit relieved. ]
I'm gonna sob CHILDREN
When did he start caring so much? Maybe that first time, where they'd hunched together and held hands tightly, and they'd both broken down into tears.
Whenever it was, he's so far in deep that Abe isn't going anywhere. Even if he's out of his element, he's staying with Mihashi, and he's going to see it through to the end, regardless of what "it" is. So, yeah. He's kind of in love with Mihashi, and he'll figure out what that means later on when he doesn't have Mihashi's own panic to take care of and eliminate to the best of his ability. ]
C'mon - can you stand? [ He rubs his upper arm carefully, remembering contact, how much it's helped all of them since they started playing together. ] We need to clean up from practice, and - [ Pausing, frowning in consideration, he slides his hand down to take Mihashi's and squeeze. ] If you need to, you can borrow my civvies. Layers, right?
[ That would help give Mihashi a barrier from the outside world, wouldn't it? More layers? ]
why is abemiha so important
the last of the tears drip out of his eyes and he nods, wiping at his eyes with his other hand as he pushes himself back up to his feet. he feels raw, shaken, even more than usual, and mihashi keeps his guard up as much as he can, knees knocked together, hand still clutched tightly in abe's like the lifeline that it's become.
and then he offers to share his clothes with him. mihashi gives him that look again, his eyes wide, breath caught in his throat. abe is so nice, he thinks, even if he yells a lot, mihashi thinks--knows, maybe--that he really does care, that maybe... that maybe it's harder to mess this up than he originally thought. maybe abe won't hate him for things like this. abe isn't angry that he lied. he's not angry at all.
mihashi's eyes get watery again and he lifts his other hand to wave it around, head moving left and right and generally all over the place that isn't on abe's face, his cheeks taking on a stunning shade of red. ] Y-you don't ha--I couldn't--but you--
[ this is honestly going to continue you may want to stop him. ]
because abemiha
For a moment, anyways.
Frowning and flustering at the look that he gets, again, he shakes his head and brings his free hand up to set it over Mihashi's mouth. It'll stop him for a moment, without Abe having to noogie him or give him a shake. Not exactly conducive to helping Ren calm down in the least bit, especially when he's been shaking like a leaf and straight out sobbing. Instead he just shakes his head, keeping his hand there until he's certain that Mihashi isn't going to keep protesting. ]
I don't have to, but I want to, if it'll help you. [ He just says it matter-of-fact, so that there's no room for protests right off or either of them being red-faced. ]