[ he should feel shamed, probably, wilting under the face of his closest friend's intense anger--it was the thing that the gladers whispered about behind his back (and occasionally not), simply because alby's temper was not one to be messed with. but newt had never--never--been afraid of him, and his face falls into a thunderous frown as he considers it.
what was he thinking? it was pretty obvious. he bites out-- ] That this place is a bloody inescapable, hopeless klunkhole, and I hate it.
[ he hates it, he hates living here, he hates minho and alby and ben and gally and all of them, hates the idea of being stuck in this place for the rest of his life. newt hates it so much he doesn't think he can breathe with the force of it, spent days and days trying to see if minho would notice if he stole a knife from the weapons stash, or if frypan would raise alarm if he found one in the kitchen. in the end, the jump had been the best way to try and end it, and he feels the tears lumping up in his throat as he berates himself mentally for not going that way, because he failed.
alby was the bright spot, maybe. the single thing he liked--loved--about the glade. they'd had each other, but newt's optimism wouldn't hold out, a fragile, thin thing stretched over miles worth of resentment and sorrow, bitterness thick as blood and wetting the back of his tongue.
ime reacts in a way that newt couldn't, though, because if emese looks heartbroken, the tiny owl looks sad, making a soft, distressed noise as she tries to burrow further into emese's fur, as if she could just disappear there. there's no anger in him, either, just despondent failure, a hopelessness so heavy it felt tangible in the air around him. newt wants to sob but he doesn't think he can--he doesn't have the energy to power through his emotions, and all he can feel is hollow. even the vitriol that snapped out of his mouth felt half hearted. ]
[ Emese remains settled on the floor, stroking her big paw over Ime's tiny form as she holds her there. There are no words from the great grizzly, though perhaps there could be. Instead, she's just the purest example of Alby's feelings, as her round ears wilt and her dark eyes almost seem to water. There is a deep sadness in both daemons, and all she can do is sit there and hold what amounts to Newt's heart close to her, in the vulnerable expanse of her throat where the little owl disappears in her brown fur.
But Alby, Alby gets up from where he's seated. The chair scrapes loudly and violently against the floor, though does not tip, and he smooths his hand over his buzzed hair again as he starts to move. There's no real destination in mind, because he doesn't leave the room, but he simply paces as if he's making some attempt to get his anger in check. It happens sometimes-- Newt will find him pacing through the Glade after dealing with some shuck moron, and have to calm him down.
There is a vast patience to the leader, some days. Others, his temper is lit and explodes.
Right now, it's not really his temper. It's his heartbreak right now, and he doesn't know what to say in response to Newt at first. In the end, though, he finds something, something that is still raw and worn and anguished, a twinge of anger and hurt in his voice beneath it. He does not look at Newt again, not right away. ]
And you don't think the rest of us hate it!? You ain't the first person that's tried to send themselves outta this place for good, nowhere near the first person that's thought it! [ The words are sharp but not biting, not really. They're balanced out by Emese, in a way, her gentle silence as she simply sits there. ] I don't--
[ And then all of his steam suddenly leaves him, and all that anger leaves him, replaced by pain and upset as he actually does look at Newt, then. ] You coulda come to me, Newt. You coulda talked to me, 'n I would-- I would find a way to do something. I can't... [ Alby lifts his hands up, dragging them over his face with a ragged, almost wet breath. ] I've been terrified that you weren't gonna wake up again, in some selfish wish for you to be okay. 'cause I just can't lose you, Newt. I can't.
[ newt just takes it, and maybe that's the worst part; he looks at alby dully, expression not changing, fingers still curled lightly in the bedspread. he's right and newt knows he's right. he's not the first. it didn't matter to him, though, because he wasn't--they were stronger than him, he supposes. this place has taken him and broken him right over its knee, and it's funny, now, almost ironic, because now he has physical proof of it. he'll never run the maze again, may even never walk again. who knows?
it doesn't matter. it doesn't.
ime is the only real sign of anything at first; she makes a very unhappy noise when alby yells and fluffs her feathers, but it's more sad than angry. the daemon is apologetic where newt isn't, feels the things he wants to feel, that he's maybe not even able to anymore.
but, the first crack in newt himself's expression comes when alby looks at him. he looks...utterly distraught, ruined, almost, and newt looks into his eyes and feels that wet breath somewhere deep in his heart, kicking something back to life again. it occurs to him for the first time that maybe it was selfish--that he should have thought of alby. (and he did, he thought of him before he jumped, apologized to him in his head. it's better for both of us.)
his throat clicks, and he looks away, down at the daemons on the floor. what should he do? what is he even supposed to say? ] You didn't. [ is what comes out, soft and quiet, and he looks up at him and now, now his eyes fill with tears; the bitterness cracks, and he looks so young, tired, because all newt feels is sadness, a deep, bone crushing thing that he can feel in his very pores. ]
I'm sorry. [ he almost whispers it, and his shoulders slump inwards. he is, in the end. he's sorry he failed. he's sorry he failed alby. ]
[ It's only when Newt breaks that Alby really does, but at first? All he can do is look at him, eyes wet and red as he takes in everything. His heart nearly breaks all over again, because Newt hit rock bottom and tried to end his life. Newt, who keeps them all together, keeps the order of the Glade. He acts like everything is all right, and yet of course he was hiding the truth from them. So, he figures he'll hide the truth as well, make sure none of them know what had happened to him in the Maze. It's what he's been doing from the start, anyways, when Minho did his head count and realized that Newt was missing right before the doors were to close.
None of them will know what Newt did, not unless Newt tells them himself.
As he's about to come forward, as his heart wrenches in his chest, Emese shifts where she's seated. Slowly, she rises up so that she's sitting upright instead of slouched, moving closer to Newt. He's not sure what she's doing until she's done it, and something twists through his ribs, painful before it's a burst of warmth: she presses her big head up against Newt's, nuzzling her long muzzle against his jaw and setting a big paw on his thigh while she holds Ime to her throat with the other. ] We're here for you, dandelion. It'll be okay.
[ She steals the words right out of Alby, along with the air from his lungs. But it causes the tears welled up in his eyes to spill, a single track down one cheek at first because it's true. He recognizes the place that Newt found himself in, maybe more than anybody, but he'd never acted on it. Newt had felt so desperate that he had. But no matter what, they are here for him. They'll figure something out. ] Yeah... yeah.
[ his arms are trembling when he lifts them; newt feels like a boy made viscous, like he could just melt into the sheets and fade away, every one of his shaking molecules evaporating away. it had seemed so easy when he climbed. one foot into the ivy, then another, and another, halfway up until the bloody ivy itself seemed to just disappear. for fifteen seconds he was free, in control of his life and his choices for the first time that he could ever remember. newt could fall and no one could stop him.
and he did, and now, he suffered the consequences. it was selfish (it was a mercy kill), it was stupid (it was a suicide) and he could see it written all over alby's face now, where he looks at him, lets emese wrap him up in her arms. his come to rest around her huge neck and he just stares into the distance, stares at alby and tears leak out of his eyes, and newt tips his head forward into the bear's fur and takes in a deep, shuddering breath.
ime makes a noise; it's soft, mournful, miserable. she lifts herself out of emese's hand and crosses the room in a flutter of tiny feathers, and lands on alby's shoulder, pressing her face to his neck. maybe it's easier that way, maybe she can say more than newt ever could.
There there, baby. There there. We got you now, we'll take care of you, we ain't mad. [ Emese continues to soothe, even as Alby takes Ime into his hands. He strokes his fingers over her soft feathers, at first simply letting her stay on his shoulder before he takes her into both palms. She's so tiny in his big hands, standing out in the midst of them, but she fits perfectly there regardless. The grizzly keeps talking as he shakily approaches, burying his nose in the feathers atop the owl's head as he leans against the side of the bed at first. ]
You just gave us a scare, y'know. Scared the klunk out of us - we don't wanna think about a world without you. [ Always, his daemon has been more talkative than he has. But that same caring nature is in the both of them, that same protectiveness in the both of them. And he feels it so powerfully for Newt, for the one person that he loves more than anything.
So he tries to show it while Emese speaks it, dropping to sit at the bed finally as he holds Ime like she's Newt's heart - which, she might as well be - cupping her in his hands and smoothing his thumbs over her. ]
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idk man idk
what was he thinking? it was pretty obvious. he bites out-- ] That this place is a bloody inescapable, hopeless klunkhole, and I hate it.
[ he hates it, he hates living here, he hates minho and alby and ben and gally and all of them, hates the idea of being stuck in this place for the rest of his life. newt hates it so much he doesn't think he can breathe with the force of it, spent days and days trying to see if minho would notice if he stole a knife from the weapons stash, or if frypan would raise alarm if he found one in the kitchen. in the end, the jump had been the best way to try and end it, and he feels the tears lumping up in his throat as he berates himself mentally for not going that way, because he failed.
alby was the bright spot, maybe. the single thing he liked--loved--about the glade. they'd had each other, but newt's optimism wouldn't hold out, a fragile, thin thing stretched over miles worth of resentment and sorrow, bitterness thick as blood and wetting the back of his tongue.
ime reacts in a way that newt couldn't, though, because if emese looks heartbroken, the tiny owl looks sad, making a soft, distressed noise as she tries to burrow further into emese's fur, as if she could just disappear there. there's no anger in him, either, just despondent failure, a hopelessness so heavy it felt tangible in the air around him. newt wants to sob but he doesn't think he can--he doesn't have the energy to power through his emotions, and all he can feel is hollow. even the vitriol that snapped out of his mouth felt half hearted. ]
no subject
But Alby, Alby gets up from where he's seated. The chair scrapes loudly and violently against the floor, though does not tip, and he smooths his hand over his buzzed hair again as he starts to move. There's no real destination in mind, because he doesn't leave the room, but he simply paces as if he's making some attempt to get his anger in check. It happens sometimes-- Newt will find him pacing through the Glade after dealing with some shuck moron, and have to calm him down.
There is a vast patience to the leader, some days. Others, his temper is lit and explodes.
Right now, it's not really his temper. It's his heartbreak right now, and he doesn't know what to say in response to Newt at first. In the end, though, he finds something, something that is still raw and worn and anguished, a twinge of anger and hurt in his voice beneath it. He does not look at Newt again, not right away. ]
And you don't think the rest of us hate it!? You ain't the first person that's tried to send themselves outta this place for good, nowhere near the first person that's thought it! [ The words are sharp but not biting, not really. They're balanced out by Emese, in a way, her gentle silence as she simply sits there. ] I don't--
[ And then all of his steam suddenly leaves him, and all that anger leaves him, replaced by pain and upset as he actually does look at Newt, then. ] You coulda come to me, Newt. You coulda talked to me, 'n I would-- I would find a way to do something. I can't... [ Alby lifts his hands up, dragging them over his face with a ragged, almost wet breath. ] I've been terrified that you weren't gonna wake up again, in some selfish wish for you to be okay. 'cause I just can't lose you, Newt. I can't.
no subject
it doesn't matter. it doesn't.
ime is the only real sign of anything at first; she makes a very unhappy noise when alby yells and fluffs her feathers, but it's more sad than angry. the daemon is apologetic where newt isn't, feels the things he wants to feel, that he's maybe not even able to anymore.
but, the first crack in newt himself's expression comes when alby looks at him. he looks...utterly distraught, ruined, almost, and newt looks into his eyes and feels that wet breath somewhere deep in his heart, kicking something back to life again. it occurs to him for the first time that maybe it was selfish--that he should have thought of alby. (and he did, he thought of him before he jumped, apologized to him in his head. it's better for both of us.)
his throat clicks, and he looks away, down at the daemons on the floor. what should he do? what is he even supposed to say? ] You didn't. [ is what comes out, soft and quiet, and he looks up at him and now, now his eyes fill with tears; the bitterness cracks, and he looks so young, tired, because all newt feels is sadness, a deep, bone crushing thing that he can feel in his very pores. ]
I'm sorry. [ he almost whispers it, and his shoulders slump inwards. he is, in the end. he's sorry he failed. he's sorry he failed alby. ]
no subject
None of them will know what Newt did, not unless Newt tells them himself.
As he's about to come forward, as his heart wrenches in his chest, Emese shifts where she's seated. Slowly, she rises up so that she's sitting upright instead of slouched, moving closer to Newt. He's not sure what she's doing until she's done it, and something twists through his ribs, painful before it's a burst of warmth: she presses her big head up against Newt's, nuzzling her long muzzle against his jaw and setting a big paw on his thigh while she holds Ime to her throat with the other. ] We're here for you, dandelion. It'll be okay.
[ She steals the words right out of Alby, along with the air from his lungs. But it causes the tears welled up in his eyes to spill, a single track down one cheek at first because it's true. He recognizes the place that Newt found himself in, maybe more than anybody, but he'd never acted on it. Newt had felt so desperate that he had. But no matter what, they are here for him. They'll figure something out. ] Yeah... yeah.
#sisi will never be over the nalby
and he did, and now, he suffered the consequences. it was selfish (it was a mercy kill), it was stupid (it was a suicide) and he could see it written all over alby's face now, where he looks at him, lets emese wrap him up in her arms. his come to rest around her huge neck and he just stares into the distance, stares at alby and tears leak out of his eyes, and newt tips his head forward into the bear's fur and takes in a deep, shuddering breath.
ime makes a noise; it's soft, mournful, miserable. she lifts herself out of emese's hand and crosses the room in a flutter of tiny feathers, and lands on alby's shoulder, pressing her face to his neck. maybe it's easier that way, maybe she can say more than newt ever could.
i'm sorry, i didn't mean to hurt you. i'm okay. ]
no subject
You just gave us a scare, y'know. Scared the klunk out of us - we don't wanna think about a world without you. [ Always, his daemon has been more talkative than he has. But that same caring nature is in the both of them, that same protectiveness in the both of them. And he feels it so powerfully for Newt, for the one person that he loves more than anything.
So he tries to show it while Emese speaks it, dropping to sit at the bed finally as he holds Ime like she's Newt's heart - which, she might as well be - cupping her in his hands and smoothing his thumbs over her. ]