[ Maybe it's the arms around him--maybe it's the pressure of his hand against his chest. Whatever it is, a part of the memory seems to slow, like the panic attacks that had wracked his body throughout his childhood. His father arrives in the memory, and the pained breathing changes from wheezing to soft, hiccuping sobs, mirrored in the real world as he shakes like a leaf and sobs into Derek's chest, because in his head he's screaming at his dad, where were you, she's gone, she's gone dad, she's gone.
But it breaks when his hand catches, when Stiles finds something real, something anchoring to his real life, and he chokes out a gasp as he finds his footing again and stares into the distance, absolutely wrecked and still shaking. And somewhere, in the back of his head, there's a voice that's telling him, you fucked that up, Stilinski.
That's the last time he'll be drifting, and he just knows it. His brown eyes come up to stare at Derek for a second, and he looks lost. ]
[ The second that they're cleared, that Stiles is free enough that they don't run a risk of backlash, Derek doesn't hesitate to tear off his own helmet. Paige's voice echoes after him, Kate's laughter ringing in his ears, but he just focuses on Stiles, hand pressing to his chest again before it reaches to undo the clasps on his own helmet. The drift was hard and fast, a literal crash course, and he's surprised that he can still breathe, himself. But he doesn't say anything, not for a moment, and instead looks at those wide, wet brown eyes that stare up at him.
Brief as the drift was, he saw Stiles. He was in his head, and he felt that panic and devastation. Knew it, from his own experiences. Bowing his head forward, he presses their foreheads together, squeezing tight at his fingers even through the confines of their suits. Whatever it takes to bring Stiles back down and anchor him in the now-- and he's not going to let go, even if Peter comes in drawling I told you so. This is his copilot. He's not losing another one. ]
[ His fingers curling against Derek's are the first actual sign of movement from Stiles after the drift, or at least the first physical one. The suit makes it awkward but he finds a grip until his knuckles are white and stares at him for a second more, looking over his face. He saw more of Derek--saw what had actually happened to his co-pilot--and when he chokes out his first spoken phrase, it's heavy, like he's speaking around a lump in his throat. ] I'm sorry.
[ It's not exactly clear what he's apologizing for--the drift, or maybe what he saw. But it's soft as can be, followed by a quiet swear as his other hand comes up to shift into his dark brown hair, ruffling it frustratedly. He ruined his only chance at drifting, probably made Derek look like a fucking laughing stock in the process, because he couldn't keep a grip on his memories. Because reliving his mom's death after living Paige's with Derek (even in flashes) had been something he thought he could stomach and he couldn't. Cora had been right--he brought a lot of his own baggage into the drift, too.
He takes in a shaky breath, though, trying to stay with Derek. In, then out. It's a little easier to breathe when the helmet's off, that much is certain. ]
First drift is always the hardest. [ Quiet as he is when he says it, Derek honestly means what he says. As far as he's concerned, Stiles didn't ruin anything. Sure as hell they both made a huge mess of the drift, but at the same time? They initiated full synchronization before things were thrown off balance. And who's to say who caused it to fall out of alignment in the first place? Stiles might have been hit the hardest, but even the old hand went into it knowing that it couldn't have gone perfectly.
So he just sits there with Stiles, slowing his own breathing down and holding Stiles until he calms himself down completely. They'll have to get off the floor eventually, but he doesn't have any intentions of moving any time soon.
Even as he tries not to think about reliving his own memories on top of seeing Stiles', learning more about him than he'd initially anticipated. So that was what Cora had meant, when she said that there would be something more there. But it's true, he really can feel the understanding between the two of them, especially as he keeps close contact with the teen, for both their comfort. ] I am, too.
H-ha. Tell me about it. [ He manages a shaky laugh, at least, and lets the hand in his hair drop to scrub over his face, wiping tear tracks and snot and trying to pretend that he didn't just go through one of the most emotionally jarring moments of his life for the second time, just minutes after seeing flashes of what was probably Derek's most emotionally jarring memory.
At least they had crappy lives in common.
He's quiet for a couple seconds as he listens to the sound of Derek's breathing. It's steady, and his hand is still clasped hard against his, and it's not until he's seemingly reached at least a normal level of oxygen that he slowly unclenches his hand, barely leaving their fingers connected as he starts to sit up a little. ] This is the point where I'm imagining someone's going to carry me back to K-Science by the scruff of my neck. What a freakin' joke I am.
[ Seeing his last moments with Paige was like ripping open an old wound, and it's true that the memory is his most jarring, but it's sad to say that Derek's got his fair share of them at this point. Carrying Stiles' with him? Not exactly that much of a burden, as far as he's concerned, and he shoulders it rather easily after having seen it. Claudia Stilinski had had beautiful hair, thick and dark like her son's, and it had started to fall out before she shaved it all off. They had tried chemo therapy to combat the sickness, but Kaiju Blue wasn't cancer.
It was a monster that man couldn't fight with another monster, the way they had built the Jaeger Program.
Rather than pulling away from Stiles-- though he lets him sit up from him-- he brings his free hand up and rubs it against his own face, not trusting himself. Whether it be from empathy or his own baggage, he's going to wager that he didn't get out of that stonefaced, himself. Still, something like a scoff of a laugh leaves him at that, and he rests there with their fingers loosely connected. ] I'd like to see them try. Immediate, 100% sync on first test. You're new, I'm eight years out of practice-- the fact that we had problems isn't surprising.
[ His mouth turns up just a little, seemingly a little soothed by the thought. All in all, Stiles still feels like an abject failure, but the numbers aren't gonna lie--they reached 100% sync, an important milestone for any drift partners, and without a lot of trouble, at least at first. Maybe over time, he can ignore that memory, but his mother's death is still sore, nearly ten years later, and it's a time of his life that he doesn't want to remember.
But maybe with someone similar, he could learn to shoulder it again, instead of keeping it bottled deep inside of him.
Stiles runs his hands over his hair again, then lets it settle in his lap--he's starting to come back to himself. But he doesn't drop that connection, and even watches Derek when he wipes over his face, because it's kind of a weird feeling, to know that your own memories probably punched someone else in the emotions, too. ] A trial run's just a trial run, I guess.
[ Briefly contemplating getting up from the floor, he instead opts to sit there for a bit longer. There's nowhere else they really need to be-- the data will speak for them long enough that Derek feels they won't need to offer any reports yet-- and at this point, he doesn't think they're quite ready to be trusted with finer motor movements. So he settles, looking back at Stiles as they sit together. Everything is fresh in his mind, and he's not going to be able to sleep well tonight, but...
Well. The numbers really don't lie. Taking in a deep breath, he lets the corner of his mouth twitch the slightest bit in response to the very faint smile on Stiles' own face. ] Sounds right.
[ It's a small attempt at reassuring, although they're steady now. He's finding it easier to breathe, easier to remind himself that Stiles' eyes are amber like whiskey where Paige's were a cello's fine, worn wood. They aren't sitting there looking at old ghosts, although they might be remembering them together, sharing them now with someone they least expected. ]
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no subject
But it breaks when his hand catches, when Stiles finds something real, something anchoring to his real life, and he chokes out a gasp as he finds his footing again and stares into the distance, absolutely wrecked and still shaking. And somewhere, in the back of his head, there's a voice that's telling him, you fucked that up, Stilinski.
That's the last time he'll be drifting, and he just knows it. His brown eyes come up to stare at Derek for a second, and he looks lost. ]
no subject
Brief as the drift was, he saw Stiles. He was in his head, and he felt that panic and devastation. Knew it, from his own experiences. Bowing his head forward, he presses their foreheads together, squeezing tight at his fingers even through the confines of their suits. Whatever it takes to bring Stiles back down and anchor him in the now-- and he's not going to let go, even if Peter comes in drawling I told you so. This is his copilot. He's not losing another one. ]
That's it-- just breathe with me, all right?
no subject
[ It's not exactly clear what he's apologizing for--the drift, or maybe what he saw. But it's soft as can be, followed by a quiet swear as his other hand comes up to shift into his dark brown hair, ruffling it frustratedly. He ruined his only chance at drifting, probably made Derek look like a fucking laughing stock in the process, because he couldn't keep a grip on his memories. Because reliving his mom's death after living Paige's with Derek (even in flashes) had been something he thought he could stomach and he couldn't. Cora had been right--he brought a lot of his own baggage into the drift, too.
He takes in a shaky breath, though, trying to stay with Derek. In, then out. It's a little easier to breathe when the helmet's off, that much is certain. ]
no subject
So he just sits there with Stiles, slowing his own breathing down and holding Stiles until he calms himself down completely. They'll have to get off the floor eventually, but he doesn't have any intentions of moving any time soon.
Even as he tries not to think about reliving his own memories on top of seeing Stiles', learning more about him than he'd initially anticipated. So that was what Cora had meant, when she said that there would be something more there. But it's true, he really can feel the understanding between the two of them, especially as he keeps close contact with the teen, for both their comfort. ] I am, too.
no subject
At least they had crappy lives in common.
He's quiet for a couple seconds as he listens to the sound of Derek's breathing. It's steady, and his hand is still clasped hard against his, and it's not until he's seemingly reached at least a normal level of oxygen that he slowly unclenches his hand, barely leaving their fingers connected as he starts to sit up a little. ] This is the point where I'm imagining someone's going to carry me back to K-Science by the scruff of my neck. What a freakin' joke I am.
no subject
It was a monster that man couldn't fight with another monster, the way they had built the Jaeger Program.
Rather than pulling away from Stiles-- though he lets him sit up from him-- he brings his free hand up and rubs it against his own face, not trusting himself. Whether it be from empathy or his own baggage, he's going to wager that he didn't get out of that stonefaced, himself. Still, something like a scoff of a laugh leaves him at that, and he rests there with their fingers loosely connected. ] I'd like to see them try. Immediate, 100% sync on first test. You're new, I'm eight years out of practice-- the fact that we had problems isn't surprising.
no subject
But maybe with someone similar, he could learn to shoulder it again, instead of keeping it bottled deep inside of him.
Stiles runs his hands over his hair again, then lets it settle in his lap--he's starting to come back to himself. But he doesn't drop that connection, and even watches Derek when he wipes over his face, because it's kind of a weird feeling, to know that your own memories probably punched someone else in the emotions, too. ] A trial run's just a trial run, I guess.
no subject
Well. The numbers really don't lie. Taking in a deep breath, he lets the corner of his mouth twitch the slightest bit in response to the very faint smile on Stiles' own face. ] Sounds right.
[ It's a small attempt at reassuring, although they're steady now. He's finding it easier to breathe, easier to remind himself that Stiles' eyes are amber like whiskey where Paige's were a cello's fine, worn wood. They aren't sitting there looking at old ghosts, although they might be remembering them together, sharing them now with someone they least expected. ]